Nov. 24, 1978 record review: Introducing Dr. Osgood S. Platinum

Introducing another one of my imaginary acquaintances, the ultimate Dr. Feelgood.

Nov. 24, 1978 Gusto record review

Music is the best medicine and who should know better than our rock ‘n roll resident physician, Dr. Osgood S. Platinum. A graduate of American Bandstand University, where he distinguished himself in girl-group studies, and the Quadraphenia Academy of London, Dr. Platinum until 1977 operated a private clinic in Taxshelter, Calif., outside Topanga Canyon, and has set up offices in Buffalo’s Marine Midland Tower to take advantage of the devaluation of the Canadian dollar.

         From time to time, he also answers his mail:

         Dear Dr. Platinum: Our son, Rawhide, is listless and lazy and won’t eat his ranch bread sandwiches. My husband says it’s a clear case of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, but the boy claims that all he needs to snap him out of it is the new Eagles album. Where is it? Is there any hope that it will be in the stores soon, or will we have to wait for the Eagles’ Greatest Hits, 1978-1983?

         Mrs. Matilda Mesquite, East Otto.

         Dear Mrs. Mesquite: The new Eagles album has gotten hung up in the snowy mountains of California and won’t be ready until sometime in 1979. Until then, you can ease your boy’s distress with regular does of the new Poco album, “Legend” (ABC Records AA-1099). The band derives from the same formula as the Eagles and has finally smoothed out the balance between newcomer Paul Cotton’s blues instincts (see “Boomerang” and “Barbados”) and veteran Rusty Young’s laid=back country (see “Spellbound and “Love Comes, Love Goes”). Continue treatment indefinitely or until the Eagles appear, whichever comes first.

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         Dear Dr. Platinum: I’m hopelessly devoted to Olivia Newton-John, but there’s something funny about her tough new ‘50s look. Is it the blindness of my love or is she not for real? Didn’t she used to be a country music star or something?

         Freddy Ferndock, Clarence.

         Dear Mr. Ferndock: Yes, your suspicions are well-grounded and I’m glad you brought this up before it became chronic. Ms. Newton-John was country music singer of the year not too long ago. “Grease” supposedly changed all that, but not enough. It doesn’t go any further than that tough picture on her new album with the misleading title, “Totally Hot” (MCA Records MCA-3067). Totally tepid is more like it, complete with a warned-over offering of Eric Carmen’s ‘Boats Against the Current.” Only one number is hot – “Gimme Some Lovin’” – and you have to wait until the end of the record for it.

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         Dear Dr. Platinum: I’ve been hungering for good old-fashioned electric blues so bad I can taste it. But the sun don’t shine on the back doors of my main men no more. Should I take myself to the river, jump overboard and drown?

         Otis Underlip, Grand Island.

         Dear Mr. Underlip: Your wasted days and wasted night are over as soon as you take a double shot of the hottest new blues-rock outfit of the modern age. That’s George Thorogood and the Destroyers. They’ll be at Buffalo State College Dec. 6. For immediate relief, get their second album, “Move It on Over” (Rounder 3024). Call it traditional rock if you want to. Either way, Thorogood is the only man who can take “Who Do You Love” and make it sound like it was written last night. Nobody’s played music this exciting in 10 years.

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         Dear Dr. Platinum: I’m confused by all the live albums and best-of-everybody albums that have come out for Christmas. Should I buy them for my friends or should I just get them all automatic smoke detectors instead?

         Peter Paul Fretmore, Eggertsville.

         Dear Mr. Fretmore: Don’t be misled by the proliferation of live albums and best-of’s. It’s all old prescriptions being recycled to undiscriminating consumers for fun and profit. As a general rule, swear yourself off the stuff unless there’s a particularly burning need for it. For example, Aerosmith fans will tolerate “Live Bootleg” (Columbia PC-2-35564), but no one else will.

         There are two exceptions in the bunch. One is Steely Dan’s “Greatest Hits” (ABC Records AK-1107/2), which is a two-record time capsule tour of the most intelligent hit group of the ‘70s, from “Do It Again” to “Josie.” It’s a must for anyone who enjoyed “Aja” and doesn’t have the earlier albums.

         The other is Willie Nelson’s “Willie and Family Live” (Columbia KC-2-35642), wherein the current outlaw king of Texas country, rock and blues leads his crew through old favorites from “Whiskey River” to “Georgia on My Mind.” Johnny Paycheck even steps up to do his hit, “Take the Job and Shove It.” Recommended for anyone who ordinarily responds to Emmylou Harris, Kris Kristofferson or even the Allman Brothers.

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         Dear Dr. Platinum: I can’t get off on Frank Zappa’s new album, “Studio Tan.” Has that long lawsuit with his record company depleted all the inspiration from his ornery skeleton or is it simply middle age catching up with him? Meanwhile, what am I supposed to do until he snaps out of it?

         Suzanne Creamcheese, Cheektowaga.

         Dear Ms. Creamcheese: Don’t blame middle age. Zappa is simply trying to follow in the footstep of his old idol, Arthur Fiedler of the Boston Pops. Until the board of directors confirms his appointment as conductor, there’s not much hope. In place of Zappa, I recommend liberal does of his old proteges, Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band, and their “Shiny Beast (Bat Chain Puller)” (Warner Bros. BSK-3256). The captain and his flaky, fractured blues have finally come into their own. Numbers like “Tropical Hot Dog Night” have the potential to become standards among the same customers who gobbled down The Tubes’ “White Punks on Dope.”

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         Dear Dr. Platinum: I’m looking for some music that will set a mood without intruding, a style that will inspire thought without provoking a confrontation, something that’s good to listen to but which can fade into the background, if necessary, without losing its bouquet. Can you make a recommendation?

A.  J. Ambrosia, Buffalo.

Dear Mr. (or is it Ms.?) Ambrosia: What you need is a case of high-class jazz. Not mere jazz-rock fusion, like Weather Report, but some of the transcultural blends that are coming to the fore these days. Two of the best are Oregon’s “Out of the Woods” (Elektra 6E-454), which melds generously fluid classical themes with the insistent strains of the sitar and table from India, and Egberto Gismonti’s “Sol Do Meio Dia” (ECM Records ECM-1-1116 Warner Bros.), where Gismonti’s Brazilian guitar and samba rhythms serve as a springboard for abstract inventions. Oregon’s Ralph Towner assists Gismonti, who if you recall turned in a stunning set at the Tralfamadore Café earlier this month.

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         Dear Dr. Platinum: My husband is a confirmed male chauvinist pig and refuses to listen to female performers any more. If he tells me once more that women have still got a long way to go in the music world, I’m going to flush the keys to his four-wheel-drive truck down the garbage disposal. Is there any way to reach someone with a closed mind like this?

         Myrna (Mrs. Clint) Hidebound, North Boston.

         Dear Mrs. Hidebound: This sounds like a tough case, but some preliminary steps can and should be taken. Start with an instant dosage of Phoebe Snow’s “Against the Grain” (Columbia JC-35456). Snow singles circles around everybody, male and female, and her she moves away from jazz and gets more into a rock vein. What helps is that each side starts off with dynamite tracks – Paul McCartney’s “Every Night” and her own “You Have Not Won.”

         Then begin applications of Joan Armatrading’s “To the Limit” (A&M Records SP-4732), which is the South African singer’s most accessible album yet – full of snappy, sassy, quirky love songs in a style that’s part Latin, part reggae. Hit him next with Cindy Bullens’ “Desire Wire” (United Artists UA-LA-933-H). Bullens toured with Elton John as a singer and she belts out foot-stomping fun numbers like “Survivor,” “High School History” and “Finally Rockin’” with the kind of authority that proves that women can really rock and roll. She’s essential to the cure.

         Finally, follow it up three times a day with Chaka Khan’s “Chaka” (Warner Bros. BSK-3245), which dresses her up in classy pop-disco arrangements and shows her off in a beautiful series of selections, starting with her hit, “I’m Every Woman.” Once Chaka gets through “Roll Me Through the Rushes,” “Life Is a Dance” and “I Was Made to Love Him,” your man will be back in your arms again. Be careful, though. The slightest error on your part could cause a relapse.

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         Dear Dr. Platinum: My girlfriend Sheena is impossible. All she cares about is punk-rock and starting a legal defense fund for Sid Vicious. How can I keep her from running off to live in the Bowery with Joey Ramone?

         Marvin K. Mincemeat, Hamburg.

         Dear Mr. Mincemeat: The only solution is to give her what she wants. Start with Dave Edmunds’ “Tracks on Wax 4” (Swan Song SS-8505 Atlantic). Edmunds proves that you can have slam-bang energy without giving up a catchy melody line, all the way from “Trouble Boys” down to Nick Lowe’s classic “Heart of the City.” Just to be on the safe side, throw in a dose of “Spitballs” (Beserkley JBZ-0058 Janus). This is a collection of takeoffs on those high-octane teen hits of the ‘60s, things like “Telstar,” the “Batman” theme, “Knock on Wood” and “Boris the Spider,” not to mention the inimitable Jonathan Richman cooing “Chapel of Love.” She won’t be able to resist.

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IN THE PHOTO: Captain Beefheart.

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FOOTNOTE: Over the years, I’d forgotten just how effective the good Dr. Platinum’s remedies could be.